Cacarea lumii in 4 acte

cacare

ACTUL 1 – vine furtuna

Se intampla ca eram in sesiunea de restante cazat la o colega acasa. Eram deja in ziua a 7-a de cand eram “insarcinat” cu o cacare de-ti lasa gura apa. In respectivul apartament eram eu si inca o tipa (la fel si ea, cazata pentru sesiunea de restante). Cum tipa era cu mine, pentru a lasa ‘copilu’ in tronul de portelan, necesita la fel de multa planificare ca orice alta activitate considerata ilegala.
Treceau orele, burta imi canta pe tonalitate joasa, simteam cum vine furtuna.

Actul 2 – panica

Simtind cum se apropie, m-am decis intr-o pauza cand fata era plecata la un examen, sa testez capacitatea budei din casa. Mi-am luat inima-n dinti, si fara prea multa greutate am lansat un submarin cam cat un telefon de mic. Era nimic comparativ cu ce urma sa iasa, asa ca am zis sa ma opresc aici. M-am ridicat am tras apa sa testez eficienta tronului…
Am asteptat…
Am asteptat…
(mai rau ca afisarea rezultatelor unui examen) cu sufletul la gura si inima-n gat…
Si NIMIC. Submarinul plutea intact. Am mai tras apa o data, de doua ori, 10…15….20…..25……. Deja ma luasera transpiratiile, venea fata acasa si vedea un ditamai polonezul in buda plutind linistit.
Am gasit o perie si am inceput sa indes la submarin de zor… Indes, si tot indes, si nu intra… Locul pe unde trebuia sa intre, era mai mic decat submarinul propriuzis.
Am impartit plonezul cu peria in carnaciori de bere si cu greu si dupa multe trageri de apa, am resuit sa duc pana la capat misiunea.
M-am gandit ca daca atatea probleme mi-a facut varianta DEMO, atunci varianta full ma punea la munca o zi intreaga.
Singuru lucru care ma puteam gandi era “cum naiba se caca fetele astea, numai diaree au ?”

Actul 3 – Creatia

Cum varianta Trial a expirat, si eram deja in ziua a8-a (luna a 8-a), a trebuit sa ma gandesc rapid la alternative. Cum puteam si ce puteam sa inventez “draga domnisoara, pe la 3-4 dimineata, cand nu trece nimeni prin fata blocului, poti sa imi deschizi usa ca am o treaba de facut la bradul din fata scarii ? BTW daca se poate, nu te uita pe geam, ca vezi un cur in toata splendoara lui”
Sa ma duc la un WC public (naiba a mai vazut vreunul), sa ma duc la un restaurant, sa ma prefac ca imi iau un suc si sa las acolo bebelusul mic ?
Cum bagam de zor pentru urmatoarea restanta, ma enervez si dintr-o data, se aprinde becul…
“cacam-as in ea de scoala”
Zis si facut ma imbrac, m-am gandit la varianta taxi sau autobuz, dar daca stateam jos cred ca acolo lasam creatia… Se apropia ziua a 9-a de cand explodam, imi faceau cezariana :)))
Am luat-o la picior, stang-drept, stang-drept aratam ca Frankenstein in Fast-Forward.

Am ajuns la scoala am cautat cel mai nefolosit coridor, si cea mai departata si aiurea buda… Cand am vazut-o am zis “you’re gonna get flooded”. Acum sa explic, tronul de portenal de la faculta nu era ca orice alt tron, avea buffer – o portiune pe care cacai, apoi mai catre marginea cu tine era apa. Nah, si m-am pus pe cacare. Am simtit de parca mancam crema d-aia “lejero” , de parca dadeam nastere profului care m-a picat.

Si cacam, si tot cacam acolo, cand la un moment dat am simtit ca ajunge colacelul cu varful la fundul meu. M-am ridicat (un pic chinuit dar asta este), si am continuat treaba, si am cacat, si am tot cacat…. Cel putin 3-4 culori diferite 🙂

Dupa ce am terminat creatia, m-am uitat lung la ea, cum iesea din buda cu cativa CM peste colac… Intreaga creatie… Un adevarat munte everest in 4 culori incolacit.


Actul 4 – deznodamantul

S-a terminat, totul s-a terminat, Creatia era facuta. O adevarata sculptura , arta in adevaratul sens al cuvantului. Imi iau inima-n piept si trag apa. Ca Dunarea cu mare putere intra apa in buda, si se imparte in 2 brate odata ce intalneste muntele si ocoleste pe ambele parti. Inca o data mai trag apa, se formasera cu adevarat doua depresii strabatute de apa de la buda. Muntele era de neclintit. Gros, puternic si multicolor, nu s-a miscat 1cm de cate ori am tras apa. Am cautat o perie, dar nimic. Am facut ce orice om normal ar fi facut, l-am invelit in hartie igienica , am mai tras o data si s-a lipit hartia igienica, luand forma de colacel :).
Ce puteam face ? Unii mi-au reprosat ca de ce nu am pus un stegulet in varf, altii ca de ce nu am facut mai multe… L-am lasat acolo, a ramas problema facultatii. Data viitoare, sa dea note pe merit nu pe zecimalele lui PI.

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